Tuesday, September 30, 2014.
Where do I begin?  I did accomplish caulking the wood frames on the first window, which also happens to be the only single window really.  I could not believe how relieved and 'back to normal' I felt getting one done.
See, there is so much more to this story, the building and I.  Often I am humbled because never in a million ga-zillion years did I ever dream I would be doing this.  Well, just as I wrote yesterday, I vividly recall and relive the moments, like crying in the parking lot in the blizzard when I thought there was no way to fix the building, much less own it.  Or the times watching the rain water pour off the sides onto the sidewalks - praying.... praying seriously for the trusses to hold.  Or the moments when all seemed hopeless, then I would walk inside and be stunned by the light through the windows, shining on its walls..... almost begging for the chance to build dreams of shadows and of silhouettes. Waiting.
I realized tonight that my procrastination with the caulking on Main Street was partially an admission that I now am in unknown territory.  I have done this work before, but what lies ahead is a far cry from working on grandparents' house. 
But not really.
It was not different at all.
As I sat outside the building, realizing I was.... scared.  Doubtful. Scared.  It felt like "Phase 2" for me.  Scraping off paint is one thing.  Now I build back.... it does not matter whether I am calling it 'historical preservation' or making it last one winter or maybe just trying to protect it for the season and make it look.....handsomer...
But, I had been succumbing to 'what-if-I-make-a-mistake'- itis.  One never really knows what causes a person to finally move.... to finally give it a try.
All it took was opening the door, walking in, feeling the cozy warmth of the day lingering inside the building, then seeing my favorite wall lit by the street for me to call out 'oh, you are so handsome'.  I have to try....I had to.
And so I did...
It would be wonderful to boast about my caulking or other practical near-carpentry or even common sense type skills..... but.... no, no I cannot make such a claim.  But a person does it.  I just did it. 
And, it felt great!  Not perfect.  But, I caulked until 41 degrees (according to what I have read, 40 degrees is the limit on silicone / acrylic) ... well, truthfully until I finished the tube.

That is tonight's story.  I cannot describe adequately how scared I was by the thought I may not do 'justice' to the building.... fear.  Later, I thought again about the time sitting in the parking lot, crying.  What hurt so bad then was the lesson of love from the building.... it taught me first, what love is... at least, what it is to me.  Tonight, I learned again.  I am still not sure exactly, but the lesson I needed, not to think about, to feel, in my heart, was one of fear.

And it was a lesson, a reminder, that the journey is the goal.  This, right now, is my dream.  I just did not know it.  I love imagining what it will be when it is able to be occupied.  But I know when that happens, a part of me will live in this time.... when I was too scared to start caulking on Main Street windows;  when I fantasized about cleaning the inside during the winter months. 

And I will smile.  And my heart will burn just a bit at the memory.

But.....

I have a new fantasy.  Because I sat crying outside in the blizzard, how will I feel.... with a new roof on the building....

Watching the blizzard..... the swirling snows....

From....

Inside, looking out....

.....thoughts like that?  Well, those types of dreams might cause me to roof it myself....

Kidding.

But, now I am stunned wordless. I never thought.  I never imagined.  I never planned on how 'full circle' it will be....

Listening and watching from behind those bricks, those bricks which stood... those bricks which stood all these years.... as winter comes....

Dear God... How did I ever get so Blessed?  Thank you.  Thank you so much for the chance to follow my heart.  Thank you for this dream - this path, this journey.  May I do it honorably..

Love.... And Blessings...
~stephanie


How do you eat an elephant? = How do you fix windows?

...One at a time......